Ryan Stout was recently interviewed by "Comics Up Close", a fictional magazine that he created so he could post a question answer segment on his website.

Do the Teapot song!
An interview with Comedian Ryan Stout

Comics Up Close: Your last name is Stout, did you get teased about the "I'm a little teapot" thingas a kid?
Ryan Stout: Not too much, but, yeah, sometimes. Now, now that I'm sort of an adult, nobody ever does it, so I've really embraced it. I know a few comedians who have the last name Short. I'm hoping that at some point I can team up with one of them so that we can be "Short 'n Stout."

CUC: Were you always a comedian?
RS: I'vebeen doing stand-up for about a week and a half. That's my standard answer. Ask me again in six years-A week and a half. Before that I was an architect/short-ordercook.

CUC: Architect SLASH short-order cook?
RS: At the same time, yeah. People would tell me, "I need two rounds, feather pillowed, Greco-Roman." And I would have to build a tiny Coliseum out of scrambled eggs.

CUC: Is race a factor in your comedy?
RS: No, it's not. I'm not one for competition; I've never even won a race.

CUC: That was really stupid. Next question: Who da man?
RS: His name is Darrell. Darrell Theman.

CUC: You are an imbecile. Tell me about the Olsen twins.
RS: Mary-Kate and Ashley? Wow! I am such a huge fan. I think that their film Winning London (2001) was possibly the pinnacle of Method Acting in the twenty-first century. However, I don't think I'll be fully satisfied with those two until they get into a hair-pulling, scarred-for-life, public cat fight and Ashley calls Mary-Kate a bitch. People keep waiting for the Olsen twins to reach the legal age of sexual consent. I can't wait until they reach the legal age to drink. That's when we'll see some bitter emotional arguments. And, maybe we'll get to see Mary-Kate call Ashley a bitch!

CUC: If you could be a tree.
RS: I'd be a coat tree. But, I'd be made out of Mahogany. I can't believe you asked that. Now, who is being stupid?

CUC: If you were to create a fake interview to post on your website, what kinds of questions would you ask?
RS: That's a good question and a poignant one at that. I don't know, really. I would like the questions to high-light what little personality I have, but I'd also like the answers to be entertaining rather than revealing like a Barbra Walters special. People don't want the truth, they want to be entertained.

CUC: You have an incredible story. You were born without any arms or legs and now you're an Olympic pole vaulting champion. How did you do it?
RS: Well, it's just another one of the miracles of Subway Sandwiches. Only six grams of fat AND they regenerate body parts.

CUC: Have you ever been falsely accused of anything?
RS: One time in Austin, Texas, I made a wrong turn and started going the wrong way down a One Way street. I immediately pulled off into a parking lot where I checked to see if I was still alive and why I was an idiot. As I was parked facing the street, my car no longer running, I tried to figure out where to go when a cop pulled up behind me. "I suppose you know why I pulled you over." He didn't pull me over. I was parked. I was given a traffic ticket for going the wrong way on a one way- something that I didn't want to do. I didn't do it on purpose! There is no lesson to be learned, they can't make me feel remorse for what I did, but the cop gave me the ticket regardless. And the worst part is that in order for him to pull me over, he had to be going the wrong way on a one way.

If anyone knows an Officer Cromrine in Austin, Texas, tell him, for a person who carries a badge, he has no sense of justice. Then, for me, gather as much information as you can about him and do everything possible to ruin that man's life.

Did I go the wrong way on that street? Yes. Did I suffer the same consequence as someone else who may have done the same thing intentionally or for malicious reasons? Yes. Thus, for the purpose of justice, I was falsely accused.

CUC: Have you ever been betrayed?
RS: Yeah. In the sixth grade, I was going to work on a project with my friend Frank. Then, when it came to pick partners, he stood in front of the whole class and chose Greg as his partner. I had to get up next to choose my partner. "Who is your partner, Ryan?" "I don't have one." "Well, why don't you work on the project with this other kid that doesn't have any friends? We'll call you two The Loser Patrol."

CUC: Do you think that a website with a fake interview is the best way to vent about your past? You should probably let that stuff go. Maybe seek therapy.
RS: Don't mouth off to me! You don't even exist; you're a character that I created! (Aside) Even my creations mock me. I make the rules here and I don't need any more suggestions from you! Now ask me something else I can complain about.

CUC: Tell us about your mother.
RS: That bitch forgot my birthday in the fifth grade! And she sold my Nintendo when I was in middle school and didn't give me the money for it. DAMN IT! Plus, she would always make promises to me and then break them. Sometimes my parents would fight and sometimes my dad would hit my mom. And sometimes I was glad.

When she gets old, I'm going to put her in an old person's home. Not a nice one either-One of the homes where they beat the old people. And I'm going to have my dad run it; I love my dad.

CUC: This interview is over.
RS: Oh yeah, go ahead, walk away. Leave me. Leave me just the same way everyone else always has.

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