RIP George Carlin |
Sunday, 6/22/08 9:06PM |
Thanks for the laughs, the clarity, the logic, and for making me understand the power of good satire.
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| | | | Bravo, Mr. Reporter, and Kudos to the Proofreader |
Friday, 1/11/08 2:31PM |
My grandfather lives in Van Buren, Indiana, a small town in Grant County, and is a frequent reader of the Chronicle-Tribune newspaper.
He raised an eyebrow when they ran an article about a local high school's women's basketball team with a large 8 x 8 photo of the girls in action and the headline:
Wabash Snatches Win
His comment was a simple, "I didn't know which word was the verb."
If I weren't a classy guy, I would go on to tell you that the guy who wrote the article was Kevin Helfrich. But, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna drag some guy's name through the mud because of a simple mistake. I don't want Mr. Kevin Helfrich to google his name one day only to be reminded of a small over-sight that goes on to haunt his everyday existence. I'm sure a lot of people would do that-- It's become almost an American tradition. But, I think that's low-brow and unnecessary. And I think Kevin Helfrich would be relieved that I just gave you the little laugh (Kevin Helfrich) and left his name, Kevin Helfrich, out of it.
Kevin Helfrich. Kevin Helfrich.
Sincerely,
Ryan "Kevin Helfrich" Stout
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| | | | Two Truths and a Lie #44 |
Monday, 12/3/07 5:59PM |
Two of the following statements are true. You figure out which one is not. Go.
Last month I won a bottle of glycerine suppositories in a raffle. When I opened the bottle, I was disgusted when I found the protective foil underneath the cap had already been broken. Someone had tampered with my suppositories.
When I was a kid, there were some hot summer days when I would have to run errands with my grandmother. She would always sit in the car and point the air conditioner vents up her dress, straight at her crotch. One time, on a separate occasion, I overheard her telling someone that she wasn’t wearing panties and it made me think of those summer car rides.
I have a problem sleeping. It’s not that I can’t sleep; I sleep too much. If I don’t have a reason to get out of bed, and certainly if I don’t have an alarm set, I will sleep twelve, thirteen hours, easy. Even if I slept twelve hours the night before. My mom always says, “Well, your body’s tired; you probably need it.” But, I don’t think that’s the case. One time I slept a solid 22 hours straight and for no reason other than I could.
Two Truths and a Lie #43 Answers:
I lied about my vast collection of worthless baseball cards. I hardly owned any. I didn’t even watch much baseball on television; I bet I couldn’t name twenty baseball players from my childhood.
I really was online-game obsessed for a good week or so. But, that’s how it always goes for me: I’ll be enthralled with a video game for a very short while and, then, I won’t play any video games for months, maybe years.
The Ferris Bueller thing was true, too.
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| | | | It's a fact |
Tuesday, 9/4/07 1:01PM |
Did you know
Author Gore Vidal is a co-owner
Of Vidal Sassoon hair salons?
He teamed up with another author,
Siegfried Sassoon,
And they got into the styling racket.
Originally, they were going to call themselves
Siegfried and Gore
But, there was some confrontation
With the Las Vegas lion tamers,
Siegfried and Roy.
So, Gore, as an act of good will
Toward his childhood friend, Roy,
Came up with Vidal Sassoon.
Roy has yet to repay the favor.
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| | | | Two Truths and a Lie #43 |
Saturday, 9/1/07 5:13PM |
Unfortunately, two of these things are true. Pick the lie:
When I was six I started collecting baseball cards. Every month I would buy a new price guide and go through it with a highlighter to note all of the cards I owned. But, not knowing the philosophy of quality over quantity, I only purchased the cheap packs of cards. Plus, I didn’t have any friends who collected, so I had no one to tell me what I was doing wrong and I had no one to trade with. I ended up with almost ten thousand nearly-worthless cards, a good portion of which were duplicates.
My senior year of high school I watched the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at least once nearly every week. My class ring has the words "Save Ferris" engraved around it's interior. I had the same words drawn on my binder exactly like the notebook that Mr. Rooney sees on the school bus at the end of the movie as the credits start to roll. I even sang The Beatles' version of "Twist and Shout" at a pep rally.
I have wasted some serious time, hours upon hours, over the past week playing online games like Flash Circle Tower Defense, Onslaught, and Shock Defence. Every time I start a new game I know I am wasting away my life, but I do it anyway. Even now I’m thinking, "Anytime I want to play any of these games, I can just go straight to the links I’ve posted on my blog." Why am I a nerd?
Two Truths and a Lie #42 Answers:
That really was a picture of my grandfather during WWII. I had no idea it existed when I had my (very similar) photo taken and, you can tell by the position of my body, I wasn’t trying to recreate it. But, when my aunt saw my picture online, she immediately remembered that picture of my grandfather and sent it to my dad who, in turn, showed it to me. And we were all creeped-out.
The story about the guy with the mole is true. Kind of a disgusting non-event, but true.
I lied about watching every episode of John From Cincinnati. I watched the series finale of The Sopranos with two of my friends. We had a big spaghetti and meatball dinner right before hand just to get ready. They are both big fans of the show; I had never seen a single episode. Sure, I’d seen bits of the show here and there over the years, but I’d never sat down to watch an episode. I decided that, since the final episode was such a big deal for so many people, I should give it a shot. I made the last episode my first. And you know what? I liked it. I even watched the first episode of John From Cincinnati. But, no more. I made the first episode my last. I can’t commit to TV.
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| | | | Too Subtle |
Monday, 8/20/07 12:09PM |
I used to be really attracted to girls in wheelchairs
Until I spent some time in one.
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| | | | Fairly Reasonable Comparison |
Saturday, 8/18/07 5:15PM |
I don't understand why Neo-Nazis have shaved heads.
The original Nazi’s,
The model for modern racism,
Didn't shave their heads--
They shaved the Jews' heads.
And you’d think that the last thing a Neo-Nazi would want to look like
Would be a Jew.
Sure, there are similarities between, the KKK and the Jews--
Like they both have sex through a hole in a sheet.
But, the Jews don’t hate other people.
'Cause that’s not kosher.
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| | | | Two Truths and a Lie #42 |
Wednesday, 8/15/07 10:34PM |
Select my fabrication:
On the left is a picture of my grandfather that was taken in Paris in 1945 when he was twenty-one years old. On the right is a picture of me that was taken in San Francisco in 2004 when I was twenty-two years old. [Click photo to enlarge.]
I sat next to a very fat man on a cross-country flight. His large frame leaked over the armrest and invaded my window seat. Just above his elbow, below his t-shirt sleeve, was a mole the size of a Susan B. Anthony. Black like cola, the hair on it grew longer, thicker, darker, than anywhere else on his arm. I imagined the hairs brushing the lip of my coffee cup as he reached for his in-flight magazine. I kept staring at the mark, with the repulsive urge to give it a couple of strokes-- pet it-- with the tip of my index finger. At one point, he scratched his love handle, which put his elbow right under my nose. I got a good look at his pigment blotch. The mole and I shared an air-jet. His growth was my main focus for the entire trip. I gagged and nearly laughed when I looked at the title of the book he was reading: "Piercing the Darkness." Yikes, I hope it wasn’t nonfiction.
I didn’t watch The Sopranos. Mostly because I didn’t have HBO and by the time I did, I didn’t want to do the work to catch up. But, the way everyone talked about the show made me decide to hop on board for HBO’s next big series at day one and follow it to the end. The night of the last episode of The Sopranos, HBO premiered John From Cincinnati. I sat down, watched, and made it a point to watch every episode (thanks to TiVo). Now they're canceling it. Just my luck.
Two Truths and a Lie #41 Answers:
The whole story about the shuttle van shearing off a truck's door was complete, USDA, 100% prime grade lie. Lie, lie, lie, lie, LIE.
I hope to see more foreigners at all of my future shows. So far they’ve been very sophisticated and appreciative of my brand of humor. Cheers.
I’m still a little shocked by Carlin’s reaction, or lack there of, to my set. But, I’m not going to be a stereotypical, bitter twit who turns on the guy who inspired him. I’m not going to say, "Well, he’s old and out of touch." No. I’m going to assume that he could smell my longing for approval, which made him avoid me. (Note: I’m in the dark on the matter since I have no sense of smell.)
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